If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
