i think my mom watched the whole time
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
My penis needs a shock collar
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
