the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
