at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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