i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
My day in three words: secret purse cake
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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