and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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