Where are you?
In a non slutty way
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
