Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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