Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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