I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
