i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
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