you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
