happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
