He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
