and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
