just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
false alarm, still single
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
