guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
