Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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