rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
cat food counts as protein by the way
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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