Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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