She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Randomize
