so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
