I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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