fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
The beer is more important than you right now.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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