just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
