I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
