Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
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