wakey wakey hands off snakey
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
