So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
