This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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