you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Hippo gnu deer
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
