Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
