Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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