I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
