Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
