my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
