I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
