Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
