Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
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