Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
