I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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