Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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