I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
