And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
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