Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
