If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
