Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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