Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
