Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
