Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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