apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You are the jesus of drinking
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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