went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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