Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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