you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Randomize
