Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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