You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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