I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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